Lost..

Ever have those days where you just feel completely lost? I hate those days, and unfortunately, today is one of those days. I guess the struggle I’m feeling I’m having to deal with is various things actually. I have a job that I have tried endlessly to do well at and prove to myself and others that I can do well and succeed at something if I believe I can and put myself in to it, but apparently my boss is thinking I’m taking all this time off work when I haven’t even taken off 1 day so work now is getting more and more unenjoyable.

Tristan is FINALLY going to be going in to daycare on the 1st so I can finally find a new job, but I have had tons of interviews since being here and fail to get any call-backs, although I can hope that it just has to do with my availability at the time so maybe I will find a great job once I’m finally not stuck at home throughout the hours of the days when people are most needed. But then that poses the question of, what if I can’t find a better job? I will still have this one yes, and I imagine I can take up more hours but it will be traveling from various locations, plus working for someone who, because I am not one of her close friends like other employees, puts blame on me and takes out her shitty days on me so I would really rather get a job I am appreciated in.

I finally got paid on the 23rd and even though it wasn’t for much ($341), I thought that maybe I deserved to spend a little of it and do some of the shopping myself. I know it was probably selfish of me but I guess I can be a pretty selfish person according to others. I spent $20 on a fish and stuff for a fish tank (cause Cory had bought me a tiny fish tank for a beta fish and he has tons of fish himself and spends a lot on the stuff for them at times) and with the other $20 I bought a cat toy and took my daughter to lunch so I guess I didn’t have much to show for it. But then I made the mistake of trying to get a couple of groceries and not really thinking I guess cause we had to put some money on to our shaw bill and I got $10 for laundry, bought some milk, frozen pizzas and a couple frozen dinners for my daughter that all came to $30, so $40 overall with the laundry money and I went on my way home thinking Cory would be happy because I bought him the milk he likes and the stuff I don’t really drink due to a confrontation between us previously about milk. I had asked for him to buy some, he wasn’t going to, then he did and he bought the milk HE wanted and basically said too bad he’s going to start buying what HE wants. So I bought him his milk thinking I was doing a good thing but I guess I messed up again. We were only able to put $96 onto out $127 cable bill and had $40 left over. I was thinking maybe we could get some steaks or hamburger or even chicken with it, but Cory instead bought some fish and other stuff I can’t even remember about at the moment, then got mad at me because I didn’t get meat and had hardly anything to show for what I spent. Plus tried putting it on me that since we were only able to pay $96, I screwed us over because with his student loan money he was going to pay 3 months rent and now he wouldn’t be able to. So I guess I messed up pretty bad by spending $80 of the $341 I had gotten and it’s just all becoming too much. I can’t even count the times Cory has gone out and spent money we didn’t have on stuff for his fish tanks or games for the Xbox or dollar store stuff after I had written a list of stuff we really needed.

I know maybe I am wrong for thinking that I should have a little bit more say over what happens with our money because I make it and work for it at this moment, but I can’t help it. I guess maybe it was how I was raised to think and I know when he was making the money and with his paychecks, sure I would ask for things like milk or pizza one night or a six-pack of beer..but I never actually took it and spent it myself. I was always too worried to because I would get in trouble or get yelled at. So I was made to feel like complete shit last night for messing up with that money but I am actually starting to really just tune it out. I get in shit a lot lately for no reasons at all other than someone going through a nicotine fit due to quitting (and no, not me the stress I am usually under is too much for me to handle without smoking). I also got in shit for eating the two chocolate donuts that were in a bag full of other donuts, even though everyone knows I have an addiction to chocolate so to leave it in the house with nothing else really yeah I’m gonna eat it and they were little tim-bit donuts. But me being selfish again. And then last night I also get told that I don’t really do much and it’s not hard to watch our daughter. I just end up stressed out every day  for nothing I guess, yet in total during the weeks, he is with our daughter an average of about 6 hours while she’s awake a day (except for on weekends when I am still usually making her meals and helping her go potty and bathing her and everything..not to say he doesn’t it just doesn’t happen much, although it does happen way more than Cory helping me clean the house)..3-4 hours in the morning and 3-4 hours at night..i am with her about 9-10 hours a day throughout the week and all day throughout the weekend. Sometimes there have even been times when I’ve gotten off work and come home to have to get her dinner and get her in to bed as well. Not complaining, I guess maybe I am a bit, but I would just so love my life to not just be about cleaning and looking after my daughter. Cory’s going to school, he knows a couple of people here and can go see them, even if it’s not for long, it’s more than what I got. He comes home, plays Xbox, on weekends goes and does what he needs too…I am always here to watch Tristan so he comes and goes as he wants which is fine, but I get flack for going to work half the time and asked if that’s what I’m really doing and getting insinuations I am up to something else..yet all I do is going to work, clean, come home, clean, look after Tristan, go to work, clean more, come home, sometimes tidy up sometimes I just don’t have it in me, go to bed (get told I sleep a lot when sure I sometimes fall asleep on the couch for a couple of hours, get up go to bed and get woken up around 4 or 5 continuously until I get up for the rest of the day), get up and do it all again until the weekends when I usually decide to just screw it and not clean sometimes..usually I still do though.

So I think overall, I really need to find myself and find what to do with my life and find out how to not just be a mom and a push over. I mean honestly when two people argue over something like when a TV show was cancelled and if they were filming while it was cancelled, and the man says that his woman should stand by him no matter what even if he’s wrong! That’s what a good woman does….like seriously? I can’t do that kind of thing though, I have to think for myself so when he told me that, I realized then that maybe I’m not a good woman. I really don’t believe I am selfish though and I sure am tired of saying I’m sorry.