Lost..

Ever have those days where you just feel completely lost? I hate those days, and unfortunately, today is one of those days. I guess the struggle I’m feeling I’m having to deal with is various things actually. I have a job that I have tried endlessly to do well at and prove to myself and others that I can do well and succeed at something if I believe I can and put myself in to it, but apparently my boss is thinking I’m taking all this time off work when I haven’t even taken off 1 day so work now is getting more and more unenjoyable.

Tristan is FINALLY going to be going in to daycare on the 1st so I can finally find a new job, but I have had tons of interviews since being here and fail to get any call-backs, although I can hope that it just has to do with my availability at the time so maybe I will find a great job once I’m finally not stuck at home throughout the hours of the days when people are most needed. But then that poses the question of, what if I can’t find a better job? I will still have this one yes, and I imagine I can take up more hours but it will be traveling from various locations, plus working for someone who, because I am not one of her close friends like other employees, puts blame on me and takes out her shitty days on me so I would really rather get a job I am appreciated in.

I finally got paid on the 23rd and even though it wasn’t for much ($341), I thought that maybe I deserved to spend a little of it and do some of the shopping myself. I know it was probably selfish of me but I guess I can be a pretty selfish person according to others. I spent $20 on a fish and stuff for a fish tank (cause Cory had bought me a tiny fish tank for a beta fish and he has tons of fish himself and spends a lot on the stuff for them at times) and with the other $20 I bought a cat toy and took my daughter to lunch so I guess I didn’t have much to show for it. But then I made the mistake of trying to get a couple of groceries and not really thinking I guess cause we had to put some money on to our shaw bill and I got $10 for laundry, bought some milk, frozen pizzas and a couple frozen dinners for my daughter that all came to $30, so $40 overall with the laundry money and I went on my way home thinking Cory would be happy because I bought him the milk he likes and the stuff I don’t really drink due to a confrontation between us previously about milk. I had asked for him to buy some, he wasn’t going to, then he did and he bought the milk HE wanted and basically said too bad he’s going to start buying what HE wants. So I bought him his milk thinking I was doing a good thing but I guess I messed up again. We were only able to put $96 onto out $127 cable bill and had $40 left over. I was thinking maybe we could get some steaks or hamburger or even chicken with it, but Cory instead bought some fish and other stuff I can’t even remember about at the moment, then got mad at me because I didn’t get meat and had hardly anything to show for what I spent. Plus tried putting it on me that since we were only able to pay $96, I screwed us over because with his student loan money he was going to pay 3 months rent and now he wouldn’t be able to. So I guess I messed up pretty bad by spending $80 of the $341 I had gotten and it’s just all becoming too much. I can’t even count the times Cory has gone out and spent money we didn’t have on stuff for his fish tanks or games for the Xbox or dollar store stuff after I had written a list of stuff we really needed.

I know maybe I am wrong for thinking that I should have a little bit more say over what happens with our money because I make it and work for it at this moment, but I can’t help it. I guess maybe it was how I was raised to think and I know when he was making the money and with his paychecks, sure I would ask for things like milk or pizza one night or a six-pack of beer..but I never actually took it and spent it myself. I was always too worried to because I would get in trouble or get yelled at. So I was made to feel like complete shit last night for messing up with that money but I am actually starting to really just tune it out. I get in shit a lot lately for no reasons at all other than someone going through a nicotine fit due to quitting (and no, not me the stress I am usually under is too much for me to handle without smoking). I also got in shit for eating the two chocolate donuts that were in a bag full of other donuts, even though everyone knows I have an addiction to chocolate so to leave it in the house with nothing else really yeah I’m gonna eat it and they were little tim-bit donuts. But me being selfish again. And then last night I also get told that I don’t really do much and it’s not hard to watch our daughter. I just end up stressed out every day  for nothing I guess, yet in total during the weeks, he is with our daughter an average of about 6 hours while she’s awake a day (except for on weekends when I am still usually making her meals and helping her go potty and bathing her and everything..not to say he doesn’t it just doesn’t happen much, although it does happen way more than Cory helping me clean the house)..3-4 hours in the morning and 3-4 hours at night..i am with her about 9-10 hours a day throughout the week and all day throughout the weekend. Sometimes there have even been times when I’ve gotten off work and come home to have to get her dinner and get her in to bed as well. Not complaining, I guess maybe I am a bit, but I would just so love my life to not just be about cleaning and looking after my daughter. Cory’s going to school, he knows a couple of people here and can go see them, even if it’s not for long, it’s more than what I got. He comes home, plays Xbox, on weekends goes and does what he needs too…I am always here to watch Tristan so he comes and goes as he wants which is fine, but I get flack for going to work half the time and asked if that’s what I’m really doing and getting insinuations I am up to something else..yet all I do is going to work, clean, come home, clean, look after Tristan, go to work, clean more, come home, sometimes tidy up sometimes I just don’t have it in me, go to bed (get told I sleep a lot when sure I sometimes fall asleep on the couch for a couple of hours, get up go to bed and get woken up around 4 or 5 continuously until I get up for the rest of the day), get up and do it all again until the weekends when I usually decide to just screw it and not clean sometimes..usually I still do though.

So I think overall, I really need to find myself and find what to do with my life and find out how to not just be a mom and a push over. I mean honestly when two people argue over something like when a TV show was cancelled and if they were filming while it was cancelled, and the man says that his woman should stand by him no matter what even if he’s wrong! That’s what a good woman does….like seriously? I can’t do that kind of thing though, I have to think for myself so when he told me that, I realized then that maybe I’m not a good woman. I really don’t believe I am selfish though and I sure am tired of saying I’m sorry.

HST Facts you never knew but need to…

Well with the turn-out coming up tomorrow I must say, I am a little anxious. I have many questions such as, why did many people not receive their voter package even after contacting them several times?, why is it taking them so long to count the ballets for this vote when they can count and have the numbers to tell us who our prime minister or new leader will be in a day or two, and overall, why is it going to take them two years to get rid of the hst and re-instate the pst/gst when they instated the HST immediately? Well please copy and paste or click the following link to read some facts I bet you didn’t know about the HST. WARNING: YOU WILL BE APPALLED!

http://www.straight.com/article-400166/vancouver/bill-vander-zalm-defeating-hst-about-restoring-our-democracy

Tazz

Well I got paid today, and yesterday Cory went and got me a little Beta fish tank so I figured it would be as good a time as any to go and get myself a fish!:D. I haven’t had my own fish for a few years now and I never really thought about it much until last night, but I kind of miss it. I love my Siamese fighting fish, they are usually always so interesting and personal. The last time I had bought one though, I seem to remember the prices being a bit different. They used to be around $2.50 to $4….now I went in to get one I had really wanted, pure white and kind of smaller than the rest, and imagine my shock when I was told it was $14!!:S I ended up going to another pet store that had one beta fish and although it was $7, he did not look very healthy or happy :S. So I went back to the other store and got one of the cheaper fish for $6.49, and I must say he is a handsome fish. He is a deep red with very dark blue sequences here and there and he has beautifully healthy fins. He has a bit of a funny attitude and seems to like to “hunt” his food lol. I have decided to call him Tazz (I was a very avid loony toons watcher as a child lol) and I really think it suits him. He’s kind of crazy..I don’t know, maybe I will change it. For now though, I like Tazz, he reminds me of a little devil ;). I eventually want to get really nice green rocks and backgrounds for him but the only colors they had today were a really nice dark blueish purple and a bright ass orange coral color, and although I like the coral, I think it would have washed out Tazz so I got the blueish purple for now. Eventually it is my goal to have the coolest little beta tank around and eventually I would love to breed them. Maybe get a female dragon scale beta (the $14 ones) and cross-breed. Such beautiful, graceful fish. Tazz is a bit of a glutton though lol. Next I want to get him a couple floating leaves though, apparently they really like them. I remember when I was a teenager and my sisters friend had a beta, the poor thing got dropped on a crummy plate in the sink while his tank was being cleaned…he lived though. Until the next time she was cleaning his tank and he went down the drain :S. But I am always very careful with my fish, so I am hoping to have him for many years to come :).

Weekend Endevours…

Well just a typical weekend last weekend really…didn’t go anywhere, didn’t do anything but watch some t.v and hang out at home. I don’t know why but when the weekend comes around, I just really lose any want to do anything or clean…it’s like my body just shuts off for awhile. I did however discover that sleeping with earplugs is an AMAZING discovery. The last few months I have been woken up every morning by the cats or the birds or the kid or at one point when we had a dog, the dog….then we got a kitten (Albert) and everything got kicked up a notch, so a little more hassle in the morning, but he is so adorable. And, now I have found my earplugs:). I actually slept in till past noon on Saturday morning for the first time in forever. My boyfriend thinks I sleep a lot, really I dont. I do fall asleep on the couch earlier than him (at like 11 or 12 at night) but then I am woken up every so often and not in an actual deep sleep so really, it’s like I’ve just been napping the last few months. But not any more :D. I am also looking to try and find a way to go back to school. I tried going to college when I was 19 to become a Medical Office Assistant but it didn’t work out, so I am hoping to find a way to go in for a Pharmacy Assistant.

Wedding Mistake…My Bad :S

Well I made a bit of a blunder on the date of when my fiance and I are getting married..I was thinking this Tuesday, but really it’s not until September 23rd! I feel kind of dumb:S. I was thinking we were just going to get our marriage license, get 2 cheep rings until the 8th when we could get proper wedding bands and get married…it’s kind of nice we are taking a month though because it will give us time to have a NICE wedding..still just us but have a few things like cake, maybe wine or champagne, proper wedding bands, the license and maybe a nice place to do it. Here I was the whole time thinking Cory just wasn’t as excited as I was when really, I was over excited because I was a month ahead of schedule. Lol. Oh well, we are still getting married, the weather should still be nice, and September 23rd is a Saturday so I won’t have to worry about taking time off at all, or at least trying to (I apparently ask and get time off all the time even though I have asked 1 other time and been turned down then as well) so everything won’t be so rushed and the best part, I wont have to rush off to work right after. So I made a mistake but overall, it is better this way and I think we will enjoy that much more 🙂

Summer Days..

Today was an uneventful day really, I cleaned my house and washed the walls, tried to get my house smelling as clean as it is and of course failed. You ever notice how other people’s homes always seem to smell so clean and fresh and no matter what you do to yours it just smells…well like nothing really? Happens to me no matter what I use, pinesol, orange cleaner, air freshener, febreeze….smells nice for a few minutes then just goes away. But as I was cleaning today, I realized that summer is almost over :(. Even worse yet, summer’s almost over and my family and I haven’t even had a real chance to do anything again this year (last year was a little tossed all over the place, stuff happened and maybe I’ll write about it some other time for those of you who can handle reading others problems). No camping, no parties, haven’t even gone to the water park or water slides! Ok water slides aren’t unusual to not go to but I haven’t been for a while and I would love to go again :D. But honestly, growing up all we ever did was camp all summer. As soon as school was out, we were out the door and to the woods (my mom was a drug addict and drank a lot so that’s probably why she always wanted to go, as an excuse to “be careless”) but even so, when we were camping I could always find and make my own fun. The last couple years though, well 5 years really :S, I haven’t been at all. Life just gets in the way sometimes I guess and it’s understandable seeing as how the economy is failing and messing everybody over, but I really need to learn to make time for the small things in life. I wish I had a better job (I am looking every day) to make the money to go and have these fun outings but that doesn’t seem likely to happen this year. Summer days are supposed to be spent BBQing and camping and having parties and nice cold beer and just having fun, sure work is always a part of it, but the other stuff is what makes work bearable. Not having the other stuff and still having to work and do other daily duties is really just a killer :(. I’m not saying we haven’t done ANYTHING this summer, but we haven’t exactly done MUCH either. Oh well, maybe in the next few weeks, something will come up and we will get to have at least a few summer days 🙂

I can’t stand bitchy bosses!

Well, I don’t have the best track record when it comes to work and my past employment, I usually get bored and quit or just don’t show up or call in sick so much I just get fired. Well, this time I though “hey I’m gonna be different, I’m going to do well at this job and show myself and everyone I can do it” and I had a very good attitude about it. I work mon, tues and fri 7 30am- 8am (half an hour with three of us doing work that would take 1 person maybe an hour) and the other 5 days a week I work for two hours a day at another building cleaning for them. I have only asked for time off from my one building I do on my own twice now and both times I was told she had someone on vacation for three weeks (because they think I’m stupid enough to believe that) and then I get bitched out for giving short notice and always taking time off….HELLO! I have asked twice and been turned down both times! What time off? Yet her buddy that I work with at another building takes time off all the time, usually due to hang overs or to go get drunk, doesn’t get any flack for it at all. So I have come to realize that it doesn’t truly matter how hard you work. If you become friends with the boss, you’re in, if you don’t then you get shit on constantly until you just quit. But that’s fine, I have some plans up my sleeve for her. She won’t be happy…

Getting Married…Finally! :D

Well I’m doing it…I am finally getting married to my sweetheart of almost 7 years now! We have a beautiful three-year old daughter together and have been together for years now, and finally we get to take that next step. My parents were never married, not just not married to each other, but not married at all so this is a new thing for me. I am really hoping to show my daughter the proper way of a family and how things should be though. I know I don’t have the best start on it, I didn’t finish school, I am just a contract cleaner making $10 an hour right now, I don’t own my own home…I don’t even have a car or my license right now…but none of that should technically matter..family is the most important thing. So we are finally getting married (and so excited about!) on the 23rd. I really can’t wrap my head around the fact that my boss won’t give me one day off from work to get married but oh well. I ask for 1 day off and she makes it sound like I ask for time off all the time..I’ve asked once a few months ago for my birthday. But as soon as I get daycare, I will be getting a better job anyways and she can just go shove it. We will have our big party and everything another day when we have the money to do so, for now this is just going to be a nice little ceremony just for us. I can’t wait! 😀

The New Generation of Doctors..

I am really coming to understand this world less and less. I grew up with my family Doctor, Dr. McCloud of Merritt Canada and Scottland as well, and I only ever knew him as a great doctor. So you can imagine my surprise when the time finally came for me to grow up and leave home and of course, get a new doctor. Well since then, I have gone through a few doctors and heard horror stories about other, but I have NEVER found another doctor who cares like he does. I had a doctor in Victoria that was alright but not that great, kind of made you feel uncomfortable, had another doctor in Victoria who was a full out pervert, heard of a doctor in Merritt denying my sister pain medications and traumatizing my 8 year old niece, which I wrote about in a previous blog, I have a doctor here in Kamloops now who doesnt really seem to know what he is ever talking about, even told me that the dermatologist wouldnt remove my entire mole that “looks like it could be cancerous” because as he put it “it would leave a very ugly nasty scar”…after telling someone something looks like it could very well be cancerous, you don’t tell them you’re just going to remove a little piece because the scar it would leave would be too ugly. Instead, why not have to cut me open twice? Not to mention, it’s on my the back of my neck, under my hair and it looks a lot uglier now then it probably would as just a faint scar. I wish I wouldn’t have chickened out when Dr. McCloud was going to remove it himself a few years ago. He was actually quite worried about it. But he is a great doctor and the only one I know of who still really gives a damn about his PATIENT and not the money. He is the only doctor I know who wears dress pants, a dress shirt and sneakers because he’s running from room to room and from office to hospital…he really never stops and he never EVER forgets a patient or what they are suffering from. You could go years without seeing him and he would still smile to see you. With all of that running around, it was pretty crazy to hear that my doctor, who looks 35, is actually 64 years old! He is not only a caring man, but a very smart man as well. The new generation of doctors however..they are becoming very dissapointing. As the generations go on, the caring is becoming less, and the greed is becoming more. It really and truly is saddening. When did our world become about money and not the people in it? I guess long before I was born probably. I mean hell you hear half the time about hospitals being sued now for not steralizing their equipment properly. To anybody out there who is becoming a doctor, congradulations, and please take in to consideration that if you don’t truly care, it truly shows, and it is a VERY uncomfortable feeling to have a doctor who you know doesn’t care when it’s you’re health they have in their hands.

I hate days like today..

I hate those days when I really want to write a blog, and I just can’t seem to come up with anything. The even more frustrating part is when there are just too many things going on my head to narrow down on just one and write about it. Just like I feel like cleaning my house, I really do….but I just don’t have that ambition in me at the moment. The weekend is coming up, and really sometimes I would rather not have a weekend. I need to be making more money and the days I sit at home doing nothing are days I could be out making money..but then I wouldn’t really get to see my daughter either. I really see why people like to go in the order of getting their education,getting a great job, buying a home, getting married and THEN having kids…at least then everything is already set, you have your money, you have your home and your dream job…Beats having to try to get the job/education after having the kid/kids because really, you screw yourself over. Not saying it’s impossible, but with all the hardships today already has to offer, it does make it about 50x worse.

It really is one of those days though that seem like probably not much is going to go right. After days of being woken up several times throughout the nights because of noise from birds and cats, it kind of starts to play on you a bit. I’m not saying I don’t sleep AT ALL, but I also know that disturbed sleep can sometimes be even  worse than getting a couple of hours less sleep than needed each night. After that fact, I am just feeling…not angry but offish today. It’s kind of weird because it’s not an angry feeling such as I am used to, but more of a frustrating type of feeling. You know, those types of frustration when you don’t know why you are frustrated, so it makes you even more frustrated. I really thought it was going to be a rainy day today, I think that’s throwing me off a bit too. These hot days are starting to really annoy me because I am scared to go out in the sun. I miss the days when you didn’t have to worry much about the ultra high UVA/UVB rays that the sun gives off now. And the even crazier thing is they are wanting to stop producing sunscreen with an SPF higher than 60. Being of Irish descent, I have an 80% higher chance than others of getting skin cancer, so I just try to stay out of it as much as possible. Sure wish my parents generation had taken the sunscreen deal a little more seriously because I honestly can’t remember myself or my sister wearing it when we would go outside. Sure maybe when other parents were around to make our mother look good, but other than that it was never really a worry or care for our mother.

On a brighter note however, I had a job interview for a payday loan place last night and I can’t believe how well I did! I had to sell her a pen as part of the interview and where most people struggled to come up with 3-4 selling points, I came up with 6 with no problem! I know..I should of been a pen salesman. Lol. But honestly, I have a really good feeling about it. Also, if I do get the job, I would be started off at $10.50 an hour, after 3 months I would get full medical/dental benefits and after a year I would get benefits for massage, chiropractic care and schooling! It is a job beyond any of my dreams and I would just die if I didn’t get it. Especially after how well everything went and how happy she was with me. I of course will understand, things do happen and this by far wouldn’t be the first interview where I haven’t gotten the job, but at this point in my life, I NEED a job like this. I owe $10,000 in student loan fees that I didn’t complete so the courses are basically useless at the moment because I was young and stupid, I will never find an office job anywhere else that doesn’t require a college degree and this is just the type of job that I have always wanted. After a year, of course I would probably take advantage of the schooling benefits and do something as a back up but this job would be so perfect for me, I can’t see myself being unsatisfied with it for a long time to come. Well remembering about my interview yesterday really helped put me in a bit of a better mood, not totally 100% due to reasons such as I know later everything will be back to the way it was, but for the time being I do feel a bit better. And I’ve seem to of written a pretty long blog so I guess maybe I did have some stuff to get out. Thanks to anyone who took the time to listen! :D. Hope all your days are going better than mine usually do 😉